Me. At least after what I've been through.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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