giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
