i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
