i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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