I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
