yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
