Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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