Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
