my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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