just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
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