Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
