No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
