I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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