yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize