I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
