I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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