we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
