it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
