i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
