Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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