Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
