She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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