My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
we made out on top of his cat.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Randomize
