My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
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