Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
we're so committed to being not committed
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
