I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
