You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
