You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
