My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
