vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
