i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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