apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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