yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
