i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.