What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
