I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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