trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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