I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
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I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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