I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We don't watch enough power rangers
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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