I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
whose ass print is on the piano?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
