I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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