Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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