I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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