Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
