sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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