Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
