she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think I sprained my soul last night
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
