I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
