i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
