Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
